𝗜 𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗗 𝗠𝗬 𝗔𝗕𝗨𝗦𝗘𝗥

Just call me Jane. I'm in my early twenty's. So here's the thing...

Few years ago, naharass ko sa isa ka guy HARASSED not raped. I was not able to tell it to the authorities kay maulaw ko since the incident happened sa balay sa lalaki. The guy, call him Karl, was my kuya kuya so everytime na gusto nako mulakaw sa balay uniya dili ko dawaton sa akong friends kay unplanned and mahadlok sila nga basin magkina-unsa kay makasab-an sila, siya jud ang mag-offer sa ilang balay for me. The first time na nakasleep over ko sa balay nila was when we (him, me and my cf) had an unplanned trip sa isa ka place kay gigukod sa kong close friend ang iyang uyab nga nakabuntis sa iyaha then pag-abot didto wala na nikuyog pauli. We arrived back sa among place around 1 am na the next day and since wala ko nananghid sa akong grandparents (I lied actually, I told them na naah activities sa school and I need to sleep there kay officer ko) wala koy matulugan. Since he was with me, he offered their house.

Modesty aside, mas taas mi ug social status kay Karl. So when I reached their house medyo nag alanganin ko. It was not full concrete. Half concrete half kahoy siya but since wala koy choice, nag go ko. He offered me his room kay sa sala siya nagtulog. Since then, I got comfortable na nga didto matulog if no choice kay everytime maalanganin ko ug tulugan if I don't feel like going home, he's just a text away.

By the way, dili mi uyab ani niya but he starter courting me few months after. But I ignored it because he was like my big bro. 5 years among gap and I was seeing someone. Wala pa koy uyab because that time NBSB pa ko, the guy I was seeing was my planned first boyfriend but... continue reading...

Ff. Few months later, I was from Davao then I went back sa among place and since unaware sila Lola na pauli na ko, I texted my friends if pwede ko makisleepover but they said no kay again it was unplanned. Mag-inn nalang jud unta ko ato. I was walking around 8pm since dapit lang ang inn sa terminal when he saw me. I told him about the situation then as always, he offered his place again. Nasuko pa siya kay nganu daw wala nako siya gitext. During that time, I was avoiding him na kay nagacourt siya and I liked someone else. I declined his offer but he insisted. I have never been to an inn before and he said na basin maalaan lang daw ko didto ug bayaran kay usually people go there with someone daw. So, I accepted his offer.... not knowing that it will change everything...

That night, nikalit siya ug sulod sa kwarto even if nakahigda na ko. Btw, walay lock ilang rooms (naa diay kaso yung nails na may tali yung lock and that time I was not aware of it, nakabalo nalang ko when... later) so back to the story. I was so comfortable and assured that he's my kuyakuya and he's nice since I've been in their house a lot of times and he did not do any harm against me so I was not bothered na walang lock yung room. The next morning, I woke up late. Around 8am na, then I saw him inside the room, like he was watching me. I was not alarmed thinking na basin matahun na unta ko niya. Then I nilingkod ko sa bed and I remember greeting him good morning pa. He sat beside me and if I was not mistaken, he greeted me back. I remember him teasing me na ang sexy ko daw matulog, ang ganda ko daw kahit bagong gising. I was not alarmed at all kasi for me it was just a tease. I just laughed at him. Then I teased him "bakla" just to get back at him. Kasi he's not that handsome and if I tease him gwapa baka mamisinterpret niya. Not knowing that teasing him bakla will lead to something horrible. After few minutes of calling him gay bigla niya nalang sinabing he can prove that he's not gay. I was still thinking that he was joking around so I teased him more. Then he said he wouldn't court me if gay siya. I was laughing kasi akala ko napipikon na siya. I thought right. He suddenly grabbed me, I froze. Then he started kissing me, tapos his hands were searching my body na. I just cried. I was afraid to shout thinking na he might kill me. I was petite and he is big, yung tipong kaya nga lang akong buhatin above his head (I know that because he did it a lot of times when...later) so back to the story. Sinabi kong wag please and please stop but he did not. He tied my hand gamit pa yung sarili kong shawl na nasa kama then covered my face using a blanket tapos may part nung blanket na ginawa niyang bola and inserted in my mouth. I was helpless so I just cried. He was touching me with my clothes on, tapos minutes later he pushed my shirt up, and I felt something slimy. So yeah, he harassed me by mas^^^ting while touching me. I was shocked. I did not move for minutes. I thought he will kill me or imprison me in his room then r^pe me for real. I was shaking na that time then I heard him say sorry tapos ginawakan niya ako. All I said that time was, please uwi na ako. I saw hesitations sa face niya but he helped me fix myself and pinaalis niya ako ng bahay nila. I wanted to go to the police station that time but I was too ashamed to tell them what happened. So I went home, took a shower and went silent for 2 months.

Because of that I went active to church. I decided to forgive him and forget everything. I asked God to forgive me and heal me. Wala jud nakabalo ang uban. For me, basin pagpahinumdom na to ni God that I should stop rebelling against my grandparents and against him. I was still thankful kay wala ko narape. Then suddenly I saw Karl sa church. He was invited by our pastor kay magkaila diay sila. I gathered all my courage to face him. I saw misery sa iyang face. Namayat siya ug grabe. When he approached me he said sorry and I said I forgive you. Months latet tong feel nako nagheal na jud ko through prayers, we talked while naay youth fellowship. He told me nga nahadlok siya basin ipapulis nako siya. He said he tried to commit suicide pero napigilan siya sa iyang manghud. He said na sa kadugay daw nako nga nagasleep over sa ila ginapugngan daw niya iyang sarili coz he really likes me pero wala daw that day daw when he went to check on me kay dugay kaayo ko nigawas uniya nakita ko niya nga tulog pa, his mind was already telling him to rape me daw pero di niya mahimo so giharass nalang ko niya. I got mad but then I said I forgive him.

Ff. He courted again, and dala kaluoy I said yes after 2 years. He was my first bf (1st kiss pud and... later) Honestly I was pushed. Feel nako that time, I deserve to be with him kay fist kiss nako siya and since he has changed a lot. Then few months after naging kami maskin sige ug bulag he suddenly proposed in public. Naulaw ko! I wanted to say no! In facr nidagan ko but gigukod ra ko niya and carried me like a toy pabalik sa mob. So I said yes kay maulaw ko mag no. I thought the wedding like be years after. So nag out of town ko for 4 months then suddenly he called to say nga kelangan na nako muuli kay ang gown. To make it short. The wedding happened 5 months after the proposal. I wanted to say no. Pero wala koy guts kay kabalo ko na gihaguaan niya tanan. He was the one who prepared it for me. Nakonsensiya napud ko so yeah we got married. But wait...

What's worst was three days after our wedding he r^ped me. I said dili pa ko prepared. I thought nakasabot siya then that day he raped me. Nakahilak nalang ko. Then I said to myself na I have no right to say no kay kasal na man mi and he has a right to have s^x with me since we are married. Pero until know kana jud among ginalalisan. I am posting this because I can't tell anyone about it. I am supposed to be submissive kay wife na ko niya.

I hate the fact that all those time, I have been protecting him because of shame knowing that it will still cause me a great deal if makabalo ang uban not knowing na mas magcause siya ug bigger na thing. So karon kasal na mi. He is kind. I mean he has changed a lot since then but we still fight about those memories.

I feel like trapped in a situation wherein I dont really want to be there. Kanang basta uie. Dili ko gusto na they will see me as a failure pero actually, failure jud kaayo ko. I feel so dumb. Pero maluoy ko sa iyaha and I feel like I deserve him kay naharass ko niya and no one else deserves me na except him. He is my first of everything but not first love. I wanted a way out but dili nako kaya na hiwalayan siya because of public disgrace -same reason why I failed to report him to the authorities. Hahay I don't know what to do!!!

-Jane (imprisoned inside myself)

 

F|24|Davao

Sent via DSC Confession Link | 5/30/2018 1:42:36